On Education or Why I care so much...

Quite recently, a friend pointed out to me that for a person studying education management I sure have a very negative attitude towards institutions and institutionalised learning. Well, I can see his point, however that is exactly the reason why I chose to study education.

It took me a long time to decide what I would like to study... There was a moment when I considered delaying going to university in favour of 'the school of life experience' (to the utmost horror of my parents as they considered it major waste of my faculties and a very unwise decision)... It seemed natural to me... It wasn't because I thought I couldn't handle university... to the contrary, I loved and still love learning and I am thirsty for information like an alcoholic is for liquor. The problem was that up till that moment, the only thing school almost managed to do was to put me off studying... I felt I was suffocating not growing. Most of my learning I did during high school years was from my own initiative, more often than not done outside of school. I am not saying it was all terrible... I am just saying that as whole it was... nothing. Nothing is worse than terrible... there was no challenge, there was no love, no passion, no curiosity in teachers or students (I am not throwing everybody on the same pile... of course not everybody was like that, I am just trying to make a point by depicting general situation I found myself in at the time)... the system in place did not create opportunities for any of those things. On one hand, I am not blaming us because the system is strict and hard to work in... on the other hand... it is US who create the system. There is no 'them'. But then everybody knows how to exert blame all over the place, a skill widely used all over the world yet the least useful one in history of human civilisation. I am a pacifist, but every time someone is blaming someone or something or, even worse, constantly complaining without taking action, I have a powerful urge to punch them in the face.

Anyway, back to the point. My parents' and pretty much everyone else's little obsession with having a degree got me thinking. I completely understand their concern and see their point. In the current societal structure which has been increasingly label-oriented, it is easier to have a hold of some of those labels because they can get you places. They want me to be equipped for life. On the other hand, I see that most of the time, people don't pay much attention to whether you actually are/know those things... not really... but you just must have them... that is a little bit screwed up, don't you think? We are more likely to trust a piece of paper that states how skilled or smart we are rather than trusting ourselves... We don't feel like we have achieved something unless we get that validation from the outside. Sometimes, I still catch myself doing it, but I am working on it... I feel I got pretty good at it comparing how I used to be, hungry for recognition of others... until I realised that it is so much harder to earn my own recognition... I am one tough judge! :-D

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with being rewarded for effort. Nevertheless, there are many ways in which these outside rewards can be misused... and many ways in which they can help us lie to ourselves. They can, very easily, create a false feeling of achievement... especially if we achieve something we don't really care about. Because we have a feeling we achieved something, we don't feel such a powerful need to go... to do more of something that would be important to us but we were a little afraid to do because it wasn't something... usual.

So, in my last year of high school, I weighted my options and  at last, I decided that higher education will be good for me.... One needs to know the system in order to defy it. Plus, I spared my parents some premature, stress-caused gray hair... I was much less opposed to the idea of a university abroad far away from the feeble ghost of learning environment created by Slovak Education System. Studying abroad gave me a great excuse to do what I wanted to do anyway... travel... explore... observe... and it gave me opportunity to broaden my horizons about how learning happens in a different culture. I was considering studying everything from philosophy, psychology, literature, cultural studies, languages... and, yes, I stuck with languages because I thought through language I can reach it all: people; culture; literature; philosophy of living and being; and the psychology behind people's decisions, ideas, thoughts and actions... From that it was easy to admit to myself that I deeply care about education... I love to learn but I love to see other people learn, I love to teach... I love seeing other people craving, loving learning! So, I leaped happily into postgraduate study...

To be clear, by learning and education I don't mean to have your nose stuck in books day and night (though I do enjoy doing that time to time)... that is only a very small part of learning... learning happens all the time, continually from the day we are born till the day we die. Like love, it comes in all forms, shapes and sizes (I am aware that is a very cheesy line, but a true one nevertheless).

We forget that culture... society is a live organism, constantly changing because our lives are, perhaps, not long enough to realise how flexible the world is... Society picks the kind of knowledge and learning it considers important... Society and culture are fluid, ergo, what is important is not set in stone, as it often seems. It changes with each and every thought and ideology that come to light and start shaping the world around us. Human beings are complex, amazing and capable of breathtaking things... we just sort of forgot to trust ourselves...

What I have in mind is education that will educate the whole person... not only one tiny part of us. Also, I am not advocating some kind of anarchist approach... Guidance is good. I am talking about a system that will create and independent, full person who does not need the system to continue creating, to continue learning any more... a person who trust him/herself enough to step where no one stepped before without worrying about diplomas and labels... I am talking about education that will not discriminate knowledge a system that sees more than your multiple-choice test score.

Just because here and now there is a certain type of agenda, an ideal of perfect life, perfect type of achievement, the 'good kind' of learning and living, that does not mean it is correct... nor it means it's incorrect... It is a very strongly advertised option. That is all... just an option. That 'best option', the ideal was different 10 years ago, 100 years or 234 years ago... pick your date... it will be different few years from now, too. It's different in UK, different in China, different Africa... But this is not what we learn, is it?  

Schools in many countries, especially in Slovakia (maybe not especially in Slovakia, but it's my country, so I care a little bit too much... that's pretty much why I can't live there, I would go mad), kill curiosity, kill the will to learn something for its own sake... in students as well as teachers... no wonder people are pessimistic... if I wouldn't be a little crazy (most people call it crazy I think I am just stubborn with love and lust for sophisticated rebellion) I would also be a pessimist... OK probably not... but you know what I mean. If schooling sucks the life out of you, I suspect there must be problem somewhere... 

Life is amazing... Moreover, life is education, life is learning...  they are not two separate entities. I might be naive but I don't care, I have a faith in humanity as well as in myself. Plus, history has proven, over and over again that a kind of naivety (the kind that seems out of touch with constructed rules of reality) always comes with the best ideas, mainly because it has no concept of the impossible.

Whatever I can imagine, I can do... I believe that everyone else can do that, too.

Back to Basics

I need to incorporate writing into my daily routine. This sounds terrible... not because of the writing but because of the fact that it came to the point that I have to say such a thing! There were times I used to write all the time without even thinking about it. Why did I stop? I could find zillion reasons and create an intricate conspiracy theory that would blame it on everyone and everything happening in the world from pollution to societal developments over the last decade. The cruel truth is that it is entirely my fault simply because it is I who yielded... the circumstances are just there, it's not their fault.

  

Although, I still do it ... in theory, I have never stopped writing... I write from the moment I wake up till the moment I fall asleep. I narrate, develop plots, conversations, situations, descriptions all day long, in my head. Every time I phase out during a conversation... every time my friends catch me not paying attention. I know it's annoying but I can't help it. It happens over and over again. I don't even think I am capable of thinking any other way. I do it constantly! Interestingly, some of my best work is always done in motion which explains my obsession with walking. I walk all the time and everywhere, I love it, especially when I am alone. My mind goes wild. It is also pretty funny as time to time, if I am working on a conversation packed with emotional responses, it sometimes reflects on my facial expression which in consequence really confuses random passers by... when I think about it ... I am a rather strange person I suppose... I can't be sure, I have nothing to compare it to. It may be that everybody is strange (in a way) but some manage to hide it better than I. I would love to see how it works in someone else's head...

But back to business! Since I haven't written for some time, I assumed it would be smart to get used to the physical act of writing every day before committing myself to writing (or attempting to write) literature. Writing is an amazing convoluted yet simple process and I love it, but to stick to a story and pull it all the way to the finish line is to a great extend an act of determination and perseverance. It does not matter how much you love the story, there will come a point you will want to throw your laptop against the wall... Creating a world and characters in it is a bit like playing God and that is a lot of responsibility... the most difficult part is to actually place that finish line because no one else will do it for you. Anyway, Since this day onward, I am writing a blog entry every single day until I get into it... It can't take that long... the salsa challenge was a challenge only first 2-3 weeks... now I am addicted and there is no way back... not that I wanna go back :-) .

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On Dancing or How to Turn Philosophy to Practice

       It is preposterous how much can change in a month and how very little it takes for it to happen. In this case, the first fallen domino piece was dancing. Well, it's no surprise, to me dancing has always been a cure to everything, especially diseases of the mind that tend to creep in your subconscious and attack from within. Dancing is woven into the chaotic structure of my body and soul and... God, every time I hear the music!!! It sweeps towards me like a tsunami and there is nothing I can do but go with it... But I am not talking about my usual dancing... where my mind finally goes into a stand-by mode... stops thinking, analysing, articulating, composing and decomposing arguments, predicting improbable probabilities, developing alternative outcomes, alternative realities... and the only aspect of the 'real world' that reaches me is the music... there is nothing else. I am getting a bit poetic here, but that is pretty much the feeling and trust me, it is awesome! Dancing is the only time I have never felt self-conscious... and the only time I felt truly powerful (Except perhaps for writing... but writing gives me the sense of power of the mind, dancing gives me that of the body...).

In any case... this was not the dancing I had in mind, although it is the ultimate goal! This time though, I would like to get there through structure. Yes, you heard me... structure! I suppose it's about time... the chaos needs to be tamed.

The problem I have always had with undertaking any kind of social or choreographed dance classes was, in fact, quite explicit: In order to do that, I had to THINK about dancing... about what I was supposed to do with my feet and hands... and, on the top of that, worry about other people and partners! Frankly, even a thought of that was overwhelming... plus I knew that thinking made my dancing terrible. I know, that with training all the moves would become automatic and I would return the security of my thought-deprived sanctuary. I guess I was simply too scared of the insecurity of the transition period... and much more, but I will get back to that later.

One day, not so long ago, I was faced with a choice to join such class... we could call it fate or a coincidence...though l prefer calling it an answer to my little cry for help to the universe or whatever higher, lower or medium power there is out there or inside us. Because have it been any other time in my life I would have said yes perhaps, but would have never turned up... As always, I would think about it but then throw away the idea into a recycling bin and forget all about it, until life would swallow it, process it, recreate and reuse it and return it to me in a form of a green bag, or one of those fancy sneakers from recycled material.  I started to realise, reluctantly, that something was not quite right sometime in November... From outsider's point of view, there was absolutely nothing wrong and, truth be told, I had no rational reason to be dissatisfied on any level. However, the quiet, nagging feeling of wrongness was spreading like a plague, undermining my every waking moment... Turns out everything was just fine... everything was as it should... Now THAT seriously scared me!

I was fine... how disgusting! All was fine yet I stopped writing, I didn't go dancing as much.. I didn't laugh as much, I spend my time thinking about what I already did or will do and devoted little thought to what I was doing... which, you are guessing right, was nothing.  And I thought this was all behind me and I had all the 'live for the moment' philosophy figured out to the point of mastery... well, I didn't, but honestly, we all know it is so much easier to live a lie... though it's also depressing and 'depressing' does not exactly fits with my noble life goals of eternal happiness and all the other kinds of happiness you can find in/out there.

 Somehow my life became less mine and more of a 'should be' version according to everybody else... I don't see how that's even possible after all the journeys I have thrown myself into but... well... I am a resourceful person, so I suppose my subconscious is not very different. Anyway, I knew there were things that needed fixing... I also knew that after all those years of figuring things out on philosophical level, I would need to get down to earth and get practical... roll up my sleeves and dig in the dirt... After Christmas I knew where the problem was and I started to change what I could.. it was not easy until... yes... here is where salsa sails on the stage with its mischievous tones and spins and turns... turns that turned my life all around and upside down and from side to side...

The first two classes I suffered a little bit, I was too self-conscious... I mean, I enjoyed it very much but I was way too aware of everything... too aware of having to worry about not only me but also my partner, the steps, being on time with the music... things I usually do naturally became a particularly messed up Rubik's cube... I was over-stimulated and about to crash... Like, for example,  the situation when you open too many programs on your computer at once and, at first, it tries to cope but at some point it just goes: Screw you, you impatient bastard! and freezes... that is how I felt... And trust me, I contemplated quitting so many times. I was telling myself I did not want to do this, not really... but who are we kidding... I'm a girl and that means at some point in my life I have seen Dirty Dancing. And every girl who has seen Patrick Swayze march into the room and say: Nobody puts Baby in the corner!  wants to learn how to dance... in dancing there is beauty, there is passion... there is cooperation... there is symbiosis of movement... and all that is so incredibly sexy, even when the guy looks like Patrick and he is not your type... when he danced with her she forgot she had a type (I forgot I had a type)... Anyway... point is, I wanted to know how to dance salsa!

The truth is, it was challenging... but then... I thought What the fuck?!

Excuse me for swearing but it was needed... mainly because when did I EVER quit when something got challenging... I was the one usually looking for the situations that would challenge me, scare me,  me, bring out the best of me! This was the point where I officially diagnosed myself with a widely recognised disease known under various variations of 'There is something seriously wrong with me'. This was one of my identification points... what I mean is we all have things with which we identify ourselves... by which we define who we are. I have writing, books, dancing, endless almost annoying optimism, being smart (this might sound a bit conceited, but I don't think it should be taken for such, as I know I'm not stupid and in number of life situations I have proved myself in this sense, so I think it is safe for me to claim that I am smart... I'm not saying I'm the smartest, far from it... I just know how to get by fairly well) loyalty, travelling, honour, challenging myself at all levels, resilience... if I don't do these things, then who am I?

So, all this taken into account... I did not quit, I would not quit and I would go to that class even if I would have had to drag myself there by sheer force... it was not only a point of honour but a very strong point of survival of my own self.

Now back to the music & dancing! What structured dancing with a partner has taught me? I don't even know where to begin...

While dancing salsa, after a very long time, I have been absolutely consumed by the present... there was nothing but me and my (re)actions in that moment. All the gibber-gabber of my ever sizzling thoughts was gone. There was quiet... this excitement infused peace started to take over my everyday life... everything changed... I was here at last. Also, this change was incredibly fast... it seems I just needed a well placed kick in the right direction.

Dancing with a partner called attention to my trust issues (I have assumed this after careful analysis, I did not realise it at the time). Don't take me wrong, I was aware of my trust issues before, but boy, you can really see it when dancing! You see, this is one of my idiosyncratic contradictions, I see the best in everybody, I trust everybody with everything except... well, myself.

Subconsciously, I was always trying to lead (I still do that sometimes if I don't trust that the partner, or just because I don't know... but I really, really try not to), I was not expecting the partner to do it right... but I guess that is the lesser of the two evils... I am aware of it and when it can  or cannot be useful.

The bigger problem is the stubborn little head on mine. I was not listening (with my body) to the partner and at times went off spinning in the other direction... or, worse, I was listening but I spanned the other way anyway.  I can see how that could be annoying. I could feel the intention of movement in my partners hands, yet my first reaction was to go against it. That is just pure rebellion! At first I just thought I was making a mistake but then I dug a little deeper into deep and dusty shelves of my issues in case there were some dirty little secrets I was keeping from myself.

I gave it a thought and this is, in short, what I came up with:  

I am bloody aware I can be obstinate as hell, but I always took pride in it, because it got me where I am today. Dancing has shed some light that on the fact that stubbornness can cause me trouble (as I have been warned before but refused to believe such nonsense). The thing is that for quite a few years now (ever since I first left for US when I was 17) I had to strongly defend my choices and continuously prove myself... prove that those choices were good ones. I could not show I am afraid or that I am unsure because all of those ventures were my ideas and they were not always easily accepted. I had to be a little iron lady about it and I have a feeling that all that defensiveness and headstrong attitude clang to me a little too tightly. So, it's time to let go. I can still be stubborn, I think there might be need for it in the future, but in the mean time salsa can teach me how to be submissive, because there is nothing wrong with that, especially in dancing.

The last aspect dancing fished out from the toxic lake of my slip-ups was the seriousness that  wrapped its despicable claws around me... Brrrrr... Hell no! I even started to take myself seriously and all of you who know me also know that is a ridiculous thought. Life is fun!!! And, most of all, dancing is just dancing... whether in a class or a crowded club... forget everybody... listen and dance!

The funny thing is that is none of this is new to me... I knew all about it and though I also know there is a big difference between knowledge and practice, I still get cheated into wrong assumptions and choices... I have a very clear idea about the principles I want to govern my life, about the philosophy to accompany my choices... Some of them are easier to follow then others and sometimes life happens too fast and pushes philosophy down the dirtiest ditch by the highway... But there are ways of successfully putting philosophy into practice and one of these way is dancing... because every time I dance, I am reminded about the power of the moment, benefits of listening, strength of cooperation, joy of submission, pleasure of movement, and delightful lightness of being!

Time to Say Goodbye

The train station was empty, sitting peacefully in the sun, pretending it was part of nature.

I knew he was there before I saw him… I learnt to feel him coming, it was easier that way. I slowly turned my head and measured him curiously. The greyish smoky form of a man was sitting right next to me looking into the distance. His features were losing the battle against afternoon sun. He looked weak and tired.

We sat there, next to each other, waiting for the other to say something… The silence became stern with tension. I sighed and looked up at the sky. I could not remember last time it was so blue… The day was too perfect for a goodbye.

I was thinking of a best way to start when spring breeze whizzed through the platform rearranging the positions of forgotten candy wraps and cigarette butts on the floor. For a split second I froze with worry that it will disperse him into nothingness before the train arrives.

He laughed.

‘Look at you… Isn’t this ironic?’

I smiled and nodded. ‘I suppose… but I could not help it.’

‘I see… hmm… perhaps you need me a little more than you admit.’ He murmured quietly.

‘Listen…’ I turned to him, ignoring the shadowy resemblance of a face and pinning my eyes to the darkest cloud of smoke in his chest which I assumed was his heart.

‘I know this is hard for you, and though you don’t believe me, it is hard for me, too. You have always been there for me… all those years! You did everything in your power to protect me, to keep me from getting hurt. I appreciate it and I know you always meant well but… I just don’t think that getting hurt is such a bad thing anymore. Sometimes it’s necessary. Sometimes that is the best way to learn. It’s not pleasant but it’s not that bad…’

He tried to seem oblivious but his smoky existence swirled a little faster.

‘Do you remember a few years ago, when you begged me not to do it? Not to go? And first I thought you were right. It was too crazy, too dangerous but then I couldn’t obey, I couldn’t listen because I just did not want to let the chance pass me by again…’

‘That wasn’t the first time you didn’t listen to me…’

‘I know, I know… but it was the first time…. The first time something happened… something changed inside me. I was happy, despite the fact that not everything was so great and I knew I will have to work really hard to get what I wanted. But I could see it… I could see myself getting there and everything just fell into place! Being there was not so important anymore because getting there itself was just so fascinatingly satisfactory in itself… I knew I might get hurt along the way but that didn’t matter because trying it just seemed….’

‘…so much more important than me…’ he finished.

I didn’t know what to say.

‘I’m sorry…’ I mumbled.

‘Please believe me, I’ve never meant to disappoint you… I’ve never wanted our relationship to end up like this. You know very well how hard I tried to make you part of it all! But you didn’t want to… you started to get weak and grew sicker and sicker every day! I can’t watch you suffer like this anymore! You need help… you need change!’

‘I’m fine where I am… I can’t change… I can’t change my nature, don’t you understand that?! I will die!’

‘No! No, you won’t! It is true that we can no longer be together… If we do, one of us is going to destroy the other. Neither of us wants that… but if you take the train… the journey… the journey will transform you!’

Another gust of wind swirled past us and I saw him shiver from the effort to keep himself together. He turned his face away from me and looked up to the west end of the railway tracks that disappeared behind the trees half a mile from the station.

‘Do you really believe that?’ he asked in a low, tired voice.

‘Yes… I do!’ I replied softly and watched him fade a little more.

‘You are killing me darling…’ he said with a sad smile.

‘I’m sorry…’

‘I know… if it really is so important to you, I will go…’

‘Really?’

‘Really…’

I wanted to tell him how much that meant to me but before I could say a word the railway vibrated with promise of an approaching train and soon several wagons with a glorious old steam locomotive at the front rolled their way to the station.

‘Right…’ he said and stood up, ‘time to go!’

‘Wait!’ I stopped him, ‘I have something for you! It’s nothing much but I wanted you to have it.’

I reached down and pulled a small red suitcase from under the bench.

‘What is it?’ he asked a little surprised.

‘Can’t you feel it? It’s full of our memories!  I don’t want you to forget me where ever you are going…’

He gently brushed my arm: ‘I will never forget you… how could I? We grew up together, you don’t remember but when you were little there were moments I felt we were one…  without the memories, will you remember me?’

‘I can’t keep any part of you with me, you know that. But how could I ever forget? Every time I will need to be brave and strong, I will think of you because without you I would have never known I was any of those things...’

‘But… you… you have to be strong all the time… It’s very tough out there. ’ he watched me with sincere worry.

‘Exactly…’ I smiled at him. ‘So event though, you won’t be with me anymore I will think of you every day. I am not alone, you are leaving me protected… you taught me well! Perhaps not in a way you intended, but nevertheless, you did a great job!… Thank you!’ I said at last and offered him the red suitcase again.

He hesitated for one more moment, and then grabbed the handle: ‘Thank you…’

I watched the suitcase burst out of its material existence and cuddle around his heart in a form of red dense smoke. For a second he seemed to become his old self and in that moment we both knew that this was the right thing to do. There was no place for ‘us’ here anymore. He gave me a last quiet nod and boarded the train.

He did not find a seat but stopped and stood in an open window right next to me. We stood there in silence again. Neither of us liked goodbyes very much.

I looked up to him… So weak and fragile again, fighting the whims of breeze and daylight...

‘Goodbye…’ I murmured.

‘Goodbye, my darling…’ quietly said my Fear. 

EUREKA! We can do it all!

In my previous blog I tried to pin down my personal philosophy of life, which I think I managed to a certain extent but since then I have thought of many more ideas that should be (and soon will be) added to that list. Though, not today. However, if you have read it you might have noticed a reoccurring pattern of emphasis on self-understanding because the relationship we have about ourselves (the perception/opinion we hold) underlines pretty much everything that goes in our lives.

I don’t remember how deeply I explained (if at all) how I arrived to this conclusion but I am sure I did not mention that the part of this understanding, or actually the main and the most important point, of this understanding lies in believing that nothing about you is set in stone… that you can always improve, that you can do everything you want… that there is no such thing as genetic predisposition standing in your way… there is no such thing as ‘not being smart enough’, ‘not being fast enough’, ‘not being talented enough’ … if there is… well it is your own belief that makes it so…

I am not saying that you were born and a little baby you said to himself/herself:  ‘Gee, I am dumb…’ maybe there were failures, or things that others have said, labels you have been given that made you believe such nonsense as that there is nothing you can do about how smart/talented you are. It is that belief that is stopping you, not your genetic makeup.

I know, all this seems very theoretical and a bit of cliché but please bear with me! It is one of my utmost desires to make as many of you see and believe that this is the truth and it’s universal…

The reason I am getting back to it is because I am reading a book from Dr Carol Dweck on mindset and with every sentence I read, every page I turn, my mind is shouting YES! YES!!! YEEEEEEEEES!…. Jumping up and down like an overexcited squirrel because what is happening to me cannot be described as anything else but a pure intellectual orgasm. It is so nice to find scientific evidence of one’s convictions, I tell you!

Just to give you a little background, Dweck is a psychologist… a researcher actually and hell of a good one while we are at it. She recognised two types of mindsets: Fixed and Growth mindset. A fixed mindset basically means believing that your qualities are carved in stone; that you only have certain amount of intelligence, a certain personality and a certain moral character… and sadly many of us are brought up in this kind of mindset. The growth mindset is the very opposite… nothing is set in stone… we can learn and improve… you must agree that person with this approach handles problems that come their way much more effectively. Dwek’s entire research is based on the premise that the view you adopt about yourself deeply affects the way you lead your life.

I know… all theory again… so, to be more specific, her ‘Eureka!’ moment came when she was doing a research on how people cope with failures. However, she was then under a preconception that we either do cope with them well or don’t. Therefore, she was quite puzzled when some kids in the experiment got excited about failure of solving difficult puzzles and were delighted about the challenge it presented for them. And that is what got her interested into that kind of approach (mindset) that can turn initial failure into an opportunity. As she pointed out the question of whether our abilities are set or can be cultivated over time is an old issue… but her research (the new issue) is about how THAT belief (whichever one you hold) affects your life.

And it does… so profoundly it is scary… Why do you think religion (no matter which one) is and always has been so powerful and influential?

It matters to me because I had my ‘Eureka!’ moment as well… only mine was stretched over several years. Now I can say that when I was little I did indeed have a fixed mindset. I have always perceived myself as not very good at anything and also not very smart. Don’t worry, no one ever called me stupid. However, as a child I always ‘knew’ I wasn’t very smart. Firstly, because I have a very smart sister only one year older than me who was the kind of child who got straight A’s with absolutely minimal effort… but me I never liked school much, my parents always had to watch over me painfully doing my homework because I just simply did not want to do it… I wanted to play and watch TV and things much more interesting than that… I just know that I have always struggled but I don’t know why exactly because now that I think about it I wasn’t that bad at all it was just that I didn’t want to spend any time with it… I wanted to be left alone, doing my thing… Though I suspect, I might have been afraid not to be very good at it which would be terrible for me as I was quite self-conscious and shy when I was little.

Which brings me to my other non-skill: social awkwardness! I have always been scared of other people... very shy and very easily ashamed. I was terrified of standing in front of the entire class or speak when everybody was looking at me. I mean I had a lot of friends I wasn’t a loner… everything was OK once strangers became my friends but I did not mind being alone… sometimes I even craved it because that way I could just make up stories in my head. That was what I loved… playing out different stories in my head and watching TV where there were more stories… reading was too connected with school for me to enjoy it because school was connected to things I did not like to do!

Just to set things straight, my parents or my sister never did or said anything that would make me feel inadequate, my family is a very open minded bunch… The point is… I had a fixed mindset… not because someone told me you are not as smart and that is how it will be for the rest of your life… but I was not told otherwise was I? It was the 90’s in Slovakia, no one was being told that being smart was not a fixed trait… I don’t think the subject was much discussed… Frankly, I don’t know but I think that in general the opposite was being implied.

Simply put, I saw that I wasn’t as smart as my sister or plenty other kids  and I never thought I would be because so many things were difficult for me plus the thought of not knowing something and embarrassing myself paralysed me… oh I was just the worst combination of opinions about self ever!

The truth is I was average... even below average sometimes… not that it bothered me... I don’t remember feeling that... I remember thinking I wasn’t as smart as other kids but really it did not trouble me (not when I was little) because I was quite well off inside my own head.

Oh, I also remember thinking whether I was normal! It is quite funny actually… I remember my child-self thinking if I am not normal because so many things in real life just weren’t interesting to me at all. I would really just like to sit and make up stories (where I would be the super-awesome heroine, of course), watch TV or play. Actually, I also remember deciding to keep it a secret so people don’t think there is something wrong with me (I might have been 5- 7). I remember thinking with an absolutist passion that only a child can feel that no one would ever understand my stories and why they were so much greater than anything else I could be doing with my time. This was my life before I was 8 years old.

Of course I grew up and I had friends and interests... but still I did not like school at all. I wasn’t really good in anything and stuck to my 3 favourite things being TV, playing and story-telling in my head… until one day when I was around 12 I believe,  I came across a book and started reading… yes that book was Harry Potter but that doesn’t matter now… what matters is that when I saw that book I knew it would take me forever to read it because I was  a very slow reader! I was done with it in 2 days! 2 Days! And that is when it started… forget TV!!! So many possibilities! I started reading everything and I read almost all the time. What startled me was how the hell did I become so good at reading? How?? When??  

In any case, through books I started to be interested in history and literature and I started to excel in those subjects… by the 9^th grade I was pretty much a straight A’s student because becoming good in those two made me believe I could become better in the others as well, even though they did not interest me that much… and honestly, for the first time in my life, I was considered smart and I loved it… I loved school.

Also I found out about myself (as a result of an epiphany that occurred to me one fine day) that I was not that shy but made myself shy as implication of my older sister’s natural social skill… I mean, we were almost the same age and thus together almost all the time… entering most of the new social groups together as well… She was always excellent with people and became amazingly popular in no time… so I set back and let her do all the work… oh, what a lazy ass I was!!! Though, once I realised my shyness is not some personal curse cast over me for the rest of my life… it slowly but surely became arbitrary… all that stress, all that nonsense! Also, for the first time I started to look at people as persons with their own stories and insecurities. I stopped feeling inferior and promised myself never to feel or act superior to anyone.  Of course I did not become prodigy in social interaction over night, but that phantom that I am not as good at this as everybody else was not there anymore and I simply became better at it as I did in everything.

Before all the reading I also majorly sucked at foreign languages… including English. That is what I was always telling to people: I am not a language type! Yeah, right… once I found a motivation it was like magic (I realised I needed to learn English because I really, really longed to go study abroad... it was time to take some of my stories outside into the real world!). I told myself, that it did not matter that I was not good at languages because I have done it before, I became good at something I thought I was really bad at… I believed that if I do it long enough I must learn it one day! So, for a year, I took evening English courses, 6 hours a week, painstakingly… even though it meant waking up at 6 am for school and staying in town till 9pm till the class was over! And I did it! I learned as much as I could, was successful and spent a year in the US high school to nail… and that my darlings was the first time the word ‘talent’ showed up in conversations!

Suddenly, people were talking about me as not only smart but talented even gifted especially linguistically (HA-HA-HA)!  

Wow…. I tell you, no one was more surprised at me!! I still don’t believe I am gifted but I believe I can do ANYTHING I set my mind on because I have done it! Multiple times! I also realise that it might not be easy… frankly, it never was, but easy is not what I am after now… I stopped wanting that long time ago… In past 5 years I have thrown myself in situations that terrified me… make myself face things I thought I never could! I want difficult and I want a challenge I want to keep trying, keep challenging myself to see HOW FAR I can go… and lately I am starting to think that there is no limit… that as long as I keep going.

I do not like the word gifted… it seems like something has been bestowed on people from a higher power. And hell no!!! I definitely won’t let anyone steal the credit for I have achieved!!  :-D

But can you see what I see?? The moment I started to realise I might not be sharpest tool in the shad but I sure can do something about it… the world fell to my feet. The belief that you can develop and improve the aspects of yourself is the ultimate fuel to learning. Just find that thing that makes you passionate and go for it!

EUREKA!!

I am not saying that everybody can become a genius or prodigy. We all have different desires, paths and different aspirations that should be valued and respected no matter their size.  But as Dweck says, our true potential is unknown and therefore it is impossible to see what we can achieve with devotion, passion, and appropriate training. Every time you learn your brain creates a new connection, the more you learn, the stronger are the connections! The stronger the connections, the smarter you become. A simple as that…

The more you believe this, the more you are likely to breathe through the (di)stress and confront the challenges, take risks, keep working and learn!

We all have a potential… IQ is not set either, that is a very common belief and the biggest absurdity of all! Nothing about us or our life is set. Going back to what I was saying in the piece on my philosophy of life: You have to learn to understand yourself... Accept yourself! Because ‘why waste time proving over and over how great you are, when you could be getting better? Why hide deficiencies instead of overcoming them? Why look for friends or partners who will just shore up your self-esteem instead of ones who will also challenge you to grow? And why seek out the tried and true, instead of experiences that will stretch you??? The passion of stretching yourself and sticking to it, even (or especially) when it’s not going well, is the hallmark of the growth mindset.’ (Dweck, from her book Mindset, 2006)

Fate

'To be  mortal is the most basic human experience, and yet man has never been able to accept it, grasp it and behave accordingly. Man doesn't know how to be mortal. And when he dies, he doesn't even know how to be dead.'

Immortality by Milan Kundera 

I finally finished reading Fate. The book by R.L. Fredericks I bought couple of months ago. Boy that was a long journey! Not in a bad sense though… literally! Lord Damory drew me deeper and deeper into his peculiar alchemy-entwined story of chasing immortality. Was it a story of decadence or virtue? I honestly don’t know… it is true that for the most part of the book you will find yourself drowning in decadence and death with dear Mr Damory…however, despite all that there is a golden line of virtue and perhaps love that stays strangely persistent throughout the story.

I enjoyed the book; it surprised me because it wasn't what I expected- not in a better/worse sense but rather… I don’t know how to say it. Usually we like books because we can associate ourselves with the hero, we either wish to be the hero or we admire him/her… in any case one must have relationship with the main character otherwise one would not care what happens to him or her. Damory is not really that kind of  ‘hero’. I cannot say I could associate myself with him or that I really liked him or always liked how he handled things that came his way but he gave me a new perspective… well the author gave me an entirely new perspective… I might have not agreed but I saw why… and I could understand the despair and will with which he continued chasing immortality because without it life did not give him pleasure or sense…  I wouldn't do that… not for immortality. But I do believe each of us have that thing… the thing that drives us… drives us up and down and most of the time completely mad! 

Fate is a story about fate (no surprise there :) ) and immortality… about obsession, strong-will and never ending series of events that I did not think possible to fit into one life time (as the book is mostly account of what happened before he made himself immortal, I still consider it a ‘lifetime’). The paradox is that although Francis Damory tamed immortality he did not get from it what he wanted (this is not a spoiler because he starts telling the story 200 years after he was born so one figures he succeeded) … so one can argue that, ultimately, immortality was what he sought all his life. The story, however, has an open ending and open ending means there are still lessons to be learned.

Frankly, I do not believe that any person ever truly wanted to be immortal. 

Immortality is a myth with which our minds simply love to play.Oh, it opens up so many possibilities!!!

However, I sometimes I doubt people truly realise what immortality is. Let’s say you contemplate about it… you imagine yourself living 100 or 200 years from now… not really 3000 years later! If you do, you imagine your present self living in that distant future that has a long road to go before coming to being. If you ever lived so long wouldn't your present self be just a distant if even existent memory of another life… of another person? In that sense, I suspect that the ‘I’ that longed to be immortal would be long dead. It’s a bit of catch 22.

The story got me thinking though, whether I would accept or not if by miracle I would be presented with the elixir of life. I weighted my options carefully… and came to the conclusion that pretty much everything about immortality sucks with the exception of having enough time to read and learn everything I want! Imagine the terror of watching all the people you love die... one by one… imagine that you would have to leave home because the fact that you look well too young for being hundred years old is getting a little suspicious… you would have to leave everything behind… Imagine that you have the whole eternity and that fact completely changes who you are… the eternity makes it impossible for you to be understood by any other person in the world… You are alone… and you are trapped because you no longer have the choice of dying… the pain of it all would be insufferable.

But there is so much in the world that fascinates me and so many things I want to know and the more I read the more I realise I know less then I knew before because I have discovered a whole new dimension of knowledge… it’s paralysing… it does not happen very often but when it does it’s devastating. I am paralysed by the insignificance and limitations of my own being… but then I start to breathe again and remind myself that it’s OK… just keep breathing… just keep going…  I can work with that little I know and maybe one day I will end up with a very big pile of ‘little’. Plus the things I choose to know because I can't know it all make me who I am... if I had no time limit, I would have never made many decisions that shaped me... which would be a pity because I kind of like who I am and where I am. 

However, I loathe that feeling because it makes me genuinely scared and, most of all, it makes me want to have more time… but more time is very different from immortality. Frankly, I do not understand why they call it the elixir of life… because if it makes you immortal it takes you outside the circle of life… and perhaps you would not be dead per se but you would not be part of life either. Isn’t the essence of life the fact that it cannot be preserved? Is that the essence of us? I do not want to go too deep into a philosophical discourse but to me people… our souls are not something static but something that is constantly evolving… in a sense we spend our life constructing ourselves… the necessity, the urge to learn is in our very core.

Life is a (r)evolution!

Therefore, I believe that immortality is a particularly cruel kind of death sentence. It’s like voluntarily freezing yourself in one of the initial phases of a computer game while watching everyone else progress to higher levels… I do not know what comes after death but anything is better than being buried alive by immortality, getting stuck in the purgatory because... I guess that will come a time in life of every hypothetical immortal man when he/she realises that life is not only about time… it is not about the absence of death…

What people actually crave is not immortality but longevity. We wish to stay young longer and live longer… which I guess is understandable. The thing is… we don’t even know how much we’ve got and we are already asking for more. We are afraid to run out of time but do we actually make good use of it??? ‘Cause being afraid about not having enough does not seem like a wise way to spend it…

People worry too much and don’t dance enough…

Oh well, in any case, Fate is a good book especially if you are the adventurous quest/journey type…  and if you like alchemy, mystery a wee bit of magic as well as enjoy historical themes (it gives you a great account of the society in the 18^th century across Europe, a bit of Africa and bit of Asia…I am truly impressed by the research the author must have made for this book to work)… 

Combining The Awesome AND The Legendary (A&L)

I wrote this as a Birthday present but I decided to post it as well because it’s the truth. And truth is rare nowadays, so when it is said it should be said out loud.

For vast majority of the population this day might just seem as any other but I may assure you, things are never as they seem and this day is not an exception. Exactly 22 years ago, hidden in the forests of northern Slovakia (actually, it was in the hospital, but for the sake of the story I might be forced to enhance some details... to protect Katarina’s identity) a little girl was born (which was the second historical event that happened that year... the first took place in the evening of April 8^th).

This little girl (let’s call her Miss K), was born with an awesome but (for many years to follow) hidden potential because all of the great potentials start out as hidden and have to blossom their way into ignorant world. Her eyes were green, her hair rich golden and simply beautiful, however that would not stop her from complaining about them for the rest of her life which would really drive crazy one of her unnamed best friends who wishes to stay anonym... (although they did not posses healing powers and pretty much stayed golden even after being cut, thus she never had the opportunity to grow them long enough to employ them for bungee jumping or catching young sexy thieves.. so in retrospect I start to understand her hair related sorrow).

Growing up in untamed wilderness of Slovakian nature (an enhanced detail), seeing lovely, nonetheless only very limited part of the world, Miss K marked with strong A&L syndrome felt misunderstood and alone during her childhood and early adolescent years. However, these unfavourable circumstances armed her with modesty (sometimes really but really out of place), hardworking nature... and lots of build up energy and enthusiasm and certain amount of craziness (but those last three would manifest themselves slightly later...). In any case, thanks to all that, when little girl grew up to be a fair maiden, she was ready to kick-ass.

Once upon an awful, life-and-afterlife-demanding unnamed high school- Hlinska 29- our paths crossed and that my friends was a Beginning of an incredibly long lasting legendary hell of an End, which has no intentions of ending at all. First three years, we got along without knowing that much about each other but then as it is in life... a bit of wine and lot of talking to the right person at the right time brings out the awesome and the legendary to the spotlight it deserves. Well, innocent conversation turned into evil plans planning... caramel latte turned to Tchai-tea latte... and wine turned to... well wine stayed wine J.

Miss K is one of the most interesting people I have met in my life and I think it will stay that way. She is one of those few who carry that certain quality inside, a reassuring quality of a strong human being. Sometimes she makes people nervous, mainly because she will never let you see behind the scene... you never know what she is thinking (well, except me but that took years and years of practice, lots of wine, coffee and ice-cream... plus we are genius minds who think alike) .... All you are left with is all-hiding smile, like a barricade you will never get behind. Nevertheless, you end up trusting her very quickly without really knowing why and you will be right in doing so.

What I want to say is... during a life time, you might come across all kinds of people. Some you like, some of them not so much... but among those hundreds of fading faces is one or two or three who are adding flavour to everyday life... who make cheap wine taste like heaven... who bring the A&L syndrome even to the worst moments....so, if you happen to come across one of those people do not let them go. Miss K is one of THE kind for me.

She struggles and fights and never gives up even when she is really tempted. Situation like these are difficult for her. She says she is a pessimist but I never believed that. I think she was born a dreamer... an optimist who was very unfortunately forced to think ‘realistically’ (which is nowadays-for some inexplicable reason- a synonym to ‘pessimistic’). I always admired her and I told her so many times but I do not think she believed me because as this kind of very special A&L people usually are... she doesn’t realize her strength or, in other words, she is way too realistic to admit a person like her could exist (and this is one of the main reasons I am writing this) because Miss K whether you want it or not, whether you agree or not, this is the truth and you know that I am always right!

When one of my other friends heard us speak to each other she was shocked: ‘You are so mean to each other!’ she said... We laughed... Well, it is true a little bit. When you find a friend to whom you can tell anything, even the worst kind of joke or a commentary that should in no case cross mind of a young fair lady... a friend with whom you can stay quiet without feeling awkward... a friend to whom you do not have to apologise for your moods, tastes, twisted ideas or way too inappropriate remarks... a friend with whom you can have a ‘I know-exactly-what-you-are-thinking-girl/dude’ glance even over the phone... a friend with whom you can ruthlessly pull each other’s leg, make pranks and use the worst language without being offended, judged or considered a psychopath/nymphomaniac/snob/pathological liar/or any kind of other –maniac ... stick to them... It is highly probable you will not meet anyone quite like them again...

So, Miss K, I am sorry if you thought that one day you will get rid of me! NOT GONNA HAPPEN!! Muahahahahahahahahaha.....

Miss K has an aura of a Femme Fatale (again everyone else knows that except her)... well she is refined and wicked... but also so good-hearted every single Saint in heaven will cry hysterically at her death bed... And the business world (or any other kind of world she will decide to conquer) will fall into the crisis just out of sorrow... and thick heavy unreadable biographies will be written about her (like the one about Warren Buffet!)... Or I might even write one... (Oh imagine that!! A book about her written by me??? So destined to be a bestseller!)

Of course, Miss K, you are aware of the fact that you are also totally obnoxious and like whatever.... J But it’s your birthday so I will leave that evil part out... just for today...

Love ya!

 Happy birthday!

Now go and kick-ass!

As Buzz Lightyear once said: ‘To infinity... and beyond!’