Time to Say Goodbye

The train station was empty, sitting peacefully in the sun, pretending it was part of nature.

I knew he was there before I saw him… I learnt to feel him coming, it was easier that way. I slowly turned my head and measured him curiously. The greyish smoky form of a man was sitting right next to me looking into the distance. His features were losing the battle against afternoon sun. He looked weak and tired.

We sat there, next to each other, waiting for the other to say something… The silence became stern with tension. I sighed and looked up at the sky. I could not remember last time it was so blue… The day was too perfect for a goodbye.

I was thinking of a best way to start when spring breeze whizzed through the platform rearranging the positions of forgotten candy wraps and cigarette butts on the floor. For a split second I froze with worry that it will disperse him into nothingness before the train arrives.

He laughed.

‘Look at you… Isn’t this ironic?’

I smiled and nodded. ‘I suppose… but I could not help it.’

‘I see… hmm… perhaps you need me a little more than you admit.’ He murmured quietly.

‘Listen…’ I turned to him, ignoring the shadowy resemblance of a face and pinning my eyes to the darkest cloud of smoke in his chest which I assumed was his heart.

‘I know this is hard for you, and though you don’t believe me, it is hard for me, too. You have always been there for me… all those years! You did everything in your power to protect me, to keep me from getting hurt. I appreciate it and I know you always meant well but… I just don’t think that getting hurt is such a bad thing anymore. Sometimes it’s necessary. Sometimes that is the best way to learn. It’s not pleasant but it’s not that bad…’

He tried to seem oblivious but his smoky existence swirled a little faster.

‘Do you remember a few years ago, when you begged me not to do it? Not to go? And first I thought you were right. It was too crazy, too dangerous but then I couldn’t obey, I couldn’t listen because I just did not want to let the chance pass me by again…’

‘That wasn’t the first time you didn’t listen to me…’

‘I know, I know… but it was the first time…. The first time something happened… something changed inside me. I was happy, despite the fact that not everything was so great and I knew I will have to work really hard to get what I wanted. But I could see it… I could see myself getting there and everything just fell into place! Being there was not so important anymore because getting there itself was just so fascinatingly satisfactory in itself… I knew I might get hurt along the way but that didn’t matter because trying it just seemed….’

‘…so much more important than me…’ he finished.

I didn’t know what to say.

‘I’m sorry…’ I mumbled.

‘Please believe me, I’ve never meant to disappoint you… I’ve never wanted our relationship to end up like this. You know very well how hard I tried to make you part of it all! But you didn’t want to… you started to get weak and grew sicker and sicker every day! I can’t watch you suffer like this anymore! You need help… you need change!’

‘I’m fine where I am… I can’t change… I can’t change my nature, don’t you understand that?! I will die!’

‘No! No, you won’t! It is true that we can no longer be together… If we do, one of us is going to destroy the other. Neither of us wants that… but if you take the train… the journey… the journey will transform you!’

Another gust of wind swirled past us and I saw him shiver from the effort to keep himself together. He turned his face away from me and looked up to the west end of the railway tracks that disappeared behind the trees half a mile from the station.

‘Do you really believe that?’ he asked in a low, tired voice.

‘Yes… I do!’ I replied softly and watched him fade a little more.

‘You are killing me darling…’ he said with a sad smile.

‘I’m sorry…’

‘I know… if it really is so important to you, I will go…’

‘Really?’

‘Really…’

I wanted to tell him how much that meant to me but before I could say a word the railway vibrated with promise of an approaching train and soon several wagons with a glorious old steam locomotive at the front rolled their way to the station.

‘Right…’ he said and stood up, ‘time to go!’

‘Wait!’ I stopped him, ‘I have something for you! It’s nothing much but I wanted you to have it.’

I reached down and pulled a small red suitcase from under the bench.

‘What is it?’ he asked a little surprised.

‘Can’t you feel it? It’s full of our memories!  I don’t want you to forget me where ever you are going…’

He gently brushed my arm: ‘I will never forget you… how could I? We grew up together, you don’t remember but when you were little there were moments I felt we were one…  without the memories, will you remember me?’

‘I can’t keep any part of you with me, you know that. But how could I ever forget? Every time I will need to be brave and strong, I will think of you because without you I would have never known I was any of those things...’

‘But… you… you have to be strong all the time… It’s very tough out there. ’ he watched me with sincere worry.

‘Exactly…’ I smiled at him. ‘So event though, you won’t be with me anymore I will think of you every day. I am not alone, you are leaving me protected… you taught me well! Perhaps not in a way you intended, but nevertheless, you did a great job!… Thank you!’ I said at last and offered him the red suitcase again.

He hesitated for one more moment, and then grabbed the handle: ‘Thank you…’

I watched the suitcase burst out of its material existence and cuddle around his heart in a form of red dense smoke. For a second he seemed to become his old self and in that moment we both knew that this was the right thing to do. There was no place for ‘us’ here anymore. He gave me a last quiet nod and boarded the train.

He did not find a seat but stopped and stood in an open window right next to me. We stood there in silence again. Neither of us liked goodbyes very much.

I looked up to him… So weak and fragile again, fighting the whims of breeze and daylight...

‘Goodbye…’ I murmured.

‘Goodbye, my darling…’ quietly said my Fear.