It is preposterous how much can
change in a month and how very little it takes for it to happen. In this case,
the first fallen domino piece was dancing. Well, it's no surprise, to me dancing
has always been a cure to everything, especially diseases of the mind that tend
to creep in your subconscious and attack from within. Dancing is woven into the
chaotic structure of my body and soul and... God, every time I hear the music!!!
It sweeps towards me like a tsunami and there is nothing I can do but go with
it... But I am not talking about my usual dancing... where my mind finally goes
into a stand-by mode... stops thinking, analysing, articulating, composing and decomposing
arguments, predicting improbable probabilities, developing alternative
outcomes, alternative realities... and the only aspect of the 'real world' that
reaches me is the music... there is nothing else. I am getting a bit poetic
here, but that is pretty much the
feeling and trust me, it is awesome! Dancing is the only time I have never felt
self-conscious... and the only time I felt truly powerful (Except perhaps for
writing... but writing gives me the sense of power of the mind, dancing gives me that of
the body...).
In any case... this was not the
dancing I had in mind, although it is
the ultimate goal! This time though, I would like to get there through
structure. Yes, you heard me... structure! I suppose it's about time... the
chaos needs to be tamed.
The problem I have always had with
undertaking any kind of social or choreographed dance classes was, in fact,
quite explicit: In order to do that, I had to THINK about dancing... about what
I was supposed to do with my feet and hands... and, on the top of that, worry
about other people and partners! Frankly, even a thought of that was
overwhelming... plus I knew that thinking made my dancing terrible. I know,
that with training all the moves would become automatic and I would return the
security of my thought-deprived sanctuary. I guess I was simply too scared of
the insecurity of the transition period... and much more, but I will get back
to that later.
One day, not so long ago, I was
faced with a choice to join such class... we could call it fate or a coincidence...though
l prefer calling it an answer to my little cry for help to the universe or
whatever higher, lower or medium power there is out there or inside us. Because
have it been any other time in my life I would have said yes perhaps, but would
have never turned up... As always, I would think about it but then throw away
the idea into a recycling bin and forget all about it, until life would swallow
it, process it, recreate and reuse it and return it to me in a form of a green
bag, or one of those fancy sneakers from recycled material. I started to realise, reluctantly, that
something was not quite right sometime in November... From outsider's point of
view, there was absolutely nothing wrong and, truth be told, I had no rational reason to be dissatisfied on
any level. However, the quiet, nagging feeling of wrongness was spreading like
a plague, undermining my every waking moment... Turns out everything was just fine... everything was as it should... Now THAT seriously
scared me!
I was fine... how disgusting! All
was fine yet I stopped writing, I didn't go dancing as much.. I didn't laugh as
much, I spend my time thinking about what I already did or will do and devoted
little thought to what I was doing... which, you are guessing right, was
nothing. And I thought this was all
behind me and I had all the 'live for the moment' philosophy figured out to the
point of mastery... well, I didn't, but honestly, we all know it is so much
easier to live a lie... though it's also depressing and 'depressing' does not
exactly fits with my noble life goals of eternal happiness and all the other
kinds of happiness you can find in/out
there.
Somehow my life became less mine and more of a
'should be' version according to everybody else... I don't see how that's even
possible after all the journeys I have thrown myself into but... well... I am a
resourceful person, so I suppose my subconscious is not very different. Anyway,
I knew there were things that needed fixing... I also knew that after all those
years of figuring things out on philosophical level, I would need to get down
to earth and get practical... roll up my sleeves and dig in the dirt... After
Christmas I knew where the problem was and I started to change what I could..
it was not easy until... yes... here is where salsa sails on the stage with its
mischievous tones and spins and turns... turns that turned my life all around
and upside down and from side to side...
The first two classes I suffered
a little bit, I was too self-conscious... I mean, I enjoyed it very much but I
was way too aware of everything... too aware of having to worry about not only
me but also my partner, the steps, being on time with the music... things I usually
do naturally became a particularly messed up Rubik's cube... I was over-stimulated
and about to crash... Like, for example, the situation when you open too many programs
on your computer at once and, at first, it tries to cope but at some point it
just goes: Screw you, you impatient
bastard! and freezes... that is how I felt... And trust me, I contemplated quitting
so many times. I was telling myself I did not want to do this, not really...
but who are we kidding... I'm a girl and that means at some point in my life I
have seen Dirty Dancing. And every
girl who has seen Patrick Swayze march into the room and say: Nobody puts Baby in the corner! wants to learn how to dance... in dancing
there is beauty, there is passion... there is cooperation... there is symbiosis
of movement... and all that is so incredibly sexy, even when the guy looks like
Patrick and he is not your type... when he danced with her she forgot she had a
type (I forgot I had a type)... Anyway... point is, I wanted to know how to dance salsa!
The truth is, it was challenging...
but then... I thought What the fuck?!
Excuse me for swearing but it was
needed... mainly because when did I EVER quit when something
got challenging... I was the one usually looking for the situations that would
challenge me, scare me, me, bring out
the best of me! This was the point where I officially diagnosed myself with a
widely recognised disease known under various variations of 'There is something seriously wrong with me'.
This was one of my identification points... what I mean is we all have things with
which we identify ourselves... by which we define who we are. I have writing, books,
dancing, endless almost annoying optimism, being smart (this might sound a bit conceited,
but I don't think it should be taken for such, as I know I'm not stupid and in
number of life situations I have proved myself in this sense, so I think it is safe
for me to claim that I am smart... I'm not saying I'm the smartest, far from
it... I just know how to get by fairly well) loyalty, travelling, honour, challenging
myself at all levels, resilience... if I don't do these things, then who am I?
So, all this taken into account...
I did not quit, I would not quit and I would go to that class even if I would
have had to drag myself there by sheer force... it was not only a point of
honour but a very strong point of survival of my own self.
Now back to the music &
dancing! What structured dancing with a partner has taught me? I don't even
know where to begin...
While dancing salsa, after a very
long time, I have been absolutely consumed by the present... there was nothing
but me and my (re)actions in that moment. All the gibber-gabber of my ever
sizzling thoughts was gone. There was quiet... this excitement infused peace
started to take over my everyday life... everything changed... I was here at last. Also, this change was
incredibly fast... it seems I just needed a well placed kick in the right direction.
Dancing with a partner called attention to my trust issues (I have assumed this after careful analysis, I did not realise it at the time). Don't take me wrong, I was aware of my trust issues before, but boy, you can really see it when dancing! You see, this is one of my idiosyncratic contradictions, I see the best in everybody, I trust everybody with everything except... well, myself.
Subconsciously, I was always
trying to lead (I still do that sometimes if I don't trust that the partner, or
just because I don't know... but I really, really try not to), I was not
expecting the partner to do it right... but I guess that is the lesser of the
two evils... I am aware of it and when it can or cannot be useful.
The bigger problem is the stubborn
little head on mine. I was not listening (with my body) to the partner and at
times went off spinning in the other direction... or, worse, I was listening
but I spanned the other way anyway. I can
see how that could be annoying. I could feel the intention of movement in my
partners hands, yet my first reaction was to go against it. That is just pure rebellion!
At first I just thought I was making a mistake but then I dug a little deeper into
deep and dusty shelves of my issues in case there were some dirty little
secrets I was keeping from myself.
I gave it a thought and this is,
in short, what I came up with:
I am bloody aware I can be
obstinate as hell, but I always took pride in it, because it got me where I am today.
Dancing has shed some light that on the fact that stubbornness can cause me
trouble (as I have been warned before but refused to believe such nonsense). The
thing is that for quite a few years now (ever since I first left for US when I
was 17) I had to strongly defend my choices and continuously prove myself...
prove that those choices were good ones. I could not show I am afraid or that I
am unsure because all of those ventures were my ideas and they were not always
easily accepted. I had to be a little iron lady about it and I have a feeling
that all that defensiveness and headstrong attitude clang to me a little too
tightly. So, it's time to let go. I can still be stubborn, I think there might
be need for it in the future, but in the mean time salsa can teach me how to be
submissive, because there is nothing wrong with that, especially in dancing.
The last aspect dancing fished
out from the toxic lake of my slip-ups was the seriousness that wrapped its despicable claws around me...
Brrrrr... Hell no! I even started to take myself seriously and all of you who
know me also know that is a ridiculous thought. Life is fun!!! And, most of
all, dancing is just dancing... whether in a class or a crowded club... forget everybody...
listen and dance!
The funny thing is that is none
of this is new to me... I knew all
about it and though I also know there is a big difference between knowledge and
practice, I still get cheated into wrong assumptions and choices... I have a
very clear idea about the principles I want to govern my life, about the
philosophy to accompany my choices... Some of them are easier to follow then
others and sometimes life happens too fast and pushes philosophy down the dirtiest
ditch by the highway... But there are ways of successfully putting philosophy
into practice and one of these way is dancing... because every time I dance, I am
reminded about the power of the moment, benefits of listening, strength of
cooperation, joy of submission, pleasure of movement, and delightful lightness
of being!
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