On Education or Why I care so much...

Quite recently, a friend pointed out to me that for a person studying education management I sure have a very negative attitude towards institutions and institutionalised learning. Well, I can see his point, however that is exactly the reason why I chose to study education.

It took me a long time to decide what I would like to study... There was a moment when I considered delaying going to university in favour of 'the school of life experience' (to the utmost horror of my parents as they considered it major waste of my faculties and a very unwise decision)... It seemed natural to me... It wasn't because I thought I couldn't handle university... to the contrary, I loved and still love learning and I am thirsty for information like an alcoholic is for liquor. The problem was that up till that moment, the only thing school almost managed to do was to put me off studying... I felt I was suffocating not growing. Most of my learning I did during high school years was from my own initiative, more often than not done outside of school. I am not saying it was all terrible... I am just saying that as whole it was... nothing. Nothing is worse than terrible... there was no challenge, there was no love, no passion, no curiosity in teachers or students (I am not throwing everybody on the same pile... of course not everybody was like that, I am just trying to make a point by depicting general situation I found myself in at the time)... the system in place did not create opportunities for any of those things. On one hand, I am not blaming us because the system is strict and hard to work in... on the other hand... it is US who create the system. There is no 'them'. But then everybody knows how to exert blame all over the place, a skill widely used all over the world yet the least useful one in history of human civilisation. I am a pacifist, but every time someone is blaming someone or something or, even worse, constantly complaining without taking action, I have a powerful urge to punch them in the face.

Anyway, back to the point. My parents' and pretty much everyone else's little obsession with having a degree got me thinking. I completely understand their concern and see their point. In the current societal structure which has been increasingly label-oriented, it is easier to have a hold of some of those labels because they can get you places. They want me to be equipped for life. On the other hand, I see that most of the time, people don't pay much attention to whether you actually are/know those things... not really... but you just must have them... that is a little bit screwed up, don't you think? We are more likely to trust a piece of paper that states how skilled or smart we are rather than trusting ourselves... We don't feel like we have achieved something unless we get that validation from the outside. Sometimes, I still catch myself doing it, but I am working on it... I feel I got pretty good at it comparing how I used to be, hungry for recognition of others... until I realised that it is so much harder to earn my own recognition... I am one tough judge! :-D

To be clear, there is nothing wrong with being rewarded for effort. Nevertheless, there are many ways in which these outside rewards can be misused... and many ways in which they can help us lie to ourselves. They can, very easily, create a false feeling of achievement... especially if we achieve something we don't really care about. Because we have a feeling we achieved something, we don't feel such a powerful need to go... to do more of something that would be important to us but we were a little afraid to do because it wasn't something... usual.

So, in my last year of high school, I weighted my options and  at last, I decided that higher education will be good for me.... One needs to know the system in order to defy it. Plus, I spared my parents some premature, stress-caused gray hair... I was much less opposed to the idea of a university abroad far away from the feeble ghost of learning environment created by Slovak Education System. Studying abroad gave me a great excuse to do what I wanted to do anyway... travel... explore... observe... and it gave me opportunity to broaden my horizons about how learning happens in a different culture. I was considering studying everything from philosophy, psychology, literature, cultural studies, languages... and, yes, I stuck with languages because I thought through language I can reach it all: people; culture; literature; philosophy of living and being; and the psychology behind people's decisions, ideas, thoughts and actions... From that it was easy to admit to myself that I deeply care about education... I love to learn but I love to see other people learn, I love to teach... I love seeing other people craving, loving learning! So, I leaped happily into postgraduate study...

To be clear, by learning and education I don't mean to have your nose stuck in books day and night (though I do enjoy doing that time to time)... that is only a very small part of learning... learning happens all the time, continually from the day we are born till the day we die. Like love, it comes in all forms, shapes and sizes (I am aware that is a very cheesy line, but a true one nevertheless).

We forget that culture... society is a live organism, constantly changing because our lives are, perhaps, not long enough to realise how flexible the world is... Society picks the kind of knowledge and learning it considers important... Society and culture are fluid, ergo, what is important is not set in stone, as it often seems. It changes with each and every thought and ideology that come to light and start shaping the world around us. Human beings are complex, amazing and capable of breathtaking things... we just sort of forgot to trust ourselves...

What I have in mind is education that will educate the whole person... not only one tiny part of us. Also, I am not advocating some kind of anarchist approach... Guidance is good. I am talking about a system that will create and independent, full person who does not need the system to continue creating, to continue learning any more... a person who trust him/herself enough to step where no one stepped before without worrying about diplomas and labels... I am talking about education that will not discriminate knowledge a system that sees more than your multiple-choice test score.

Just because here and now there is a certain type of agenda, an ideal of perfect life, perfect type of achievement, the 'good kind' of learning and living, that does not mean it is correct... nor it means it's incorrect... It is a very strongly advertised option. That is all... just an option. That 'best option', the ideal was different 10 years ago, 100 years or 234 years ago... pick your date... it will be different few years from now, too. It's different in UK, different in China, different Africa... But this is not what we learn, is it?  

Schools in many countries, especially in Slovakia (maybe not especially in Slovakia, but it's my country, so I care a little bit too much... that's pretty much why I can't live there, I would go mad), kill curiosity, kill the will to learn something for its own sake... in students as well as teachers... no wonder people are pessimistic... if I wouldn't be a little crazy (most people call it crazy I think I am just stubborn with love and lust for sophisticated rebellion) I would also be a pessimist... OK probably not... but you know what I mean. If schooling sucks the life out of you, I suspect there must be problem somewhere... 

Life is amazing... Moreover, life is education, life is learning...  they are not two separate entities. I might be naive but I don't care, I have a faith in humanity as well as in myself. Plus, history has proven, over and over again that a kind of naivety (the kind that seems out of touch with constructed rules of reality) always comes with the best ideas, mainly because it has no concept of the impossible.

Whatever I can imagine, I can do... I believe that everyone else can do that, too.

Back to Basics

I need to incorporate writing into my daily routine. This sounds terrible... not because of the writing but because of the fact that it came to the point that I have to say such a thing! There were times I used to write all the time without even thinking about it. Why did I stop? I could find zillion reasons and create an intricate conspiracy theory that would blame it on everyone and everything happening in the world from pollution to societal developments over the last decade. The cruel truth is that it is entirely my fault simply because it is I who yielded... the circumstances are just there, it's not their fault.

  

Although, I still do it ... in theory, I have never stopped writing... I write from the moment I wake up till the moment I fall asleep. I narrate, develop plots, conversations, situations, descriptions all day long, in my head. Every time I phase out during a conversation... every time my friends catch me not paying attention. I know it's annoying but I can't help it. It happens over and over again. I don't even think I am capable of thinking any other way. I do it constantly! Interestingly, some of my best work is always done in motion which explains my obsession with walking. I walk all the time and everywhere, I love it, especially when I am alone. My mind goes wild. It is also pretty funny as time to time, if I am working on a conversation packed with emotional responses, it sometimes reflects on my facial expression which in consequence really confuses random passers by... when I think about it ... I am a rather strange person I suppose... I can't be sure, I have nothing to compare it to. It may be that everybody is strange (in a way) but some manage to hide it better than I. I would love to see how it works in someone else's head...

But back to business! Since I haven't written for some time, I assumed it would be smart to get used to the physical act of writing every day before committing myself to writing (or attempting to write) literature. Writing is an amazing convoluted yet simple process and I love it, but to stick to a story and pull it all the way to the finish line is to a great extend an act of determination and perseverance. It does not matter how much you love the story, there will come a point you will want to throw your laptop against the wall... Creating a world and characters in it is a bit like playing God and that is a lot of responsibility... the most difficult part is to actually place that finish line because no one else will do it for you. Anyway, Since this day onward, I am writing a blog entry every single day until I get into it... It can't take that long... the salsa challenge was a challenge only first 2-3 weeks... now I am addicted and there is no way back... not that I wanna go back :-) .

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On Dancing or How to Turn Philosophy to Practice

       It is preposterous how much can change in a month and how very little it takes for it to happen. In this case, the first fallen domino piece was dancing. Well, it's no surprise, to me dancing has always been a cure to everything, especially diseases of the mind that tend to creep in your subconscious and attack from within. Dancing is woven into the chaotic structure of my body and soul and... God, every time I hear the music!!! It sweeps towards me like a tsunami and there is nothing I can do but go with it... But I am not talking about my usual dancing... where my mind finally goes into a stand-by mode... stops thinking, analysing, articulating, composing and decomposing arguments, predicting improbable probabilities, developing alternative outcomes, alternative realities... and the only aspect of the 'real world' that reaches me is the music... there is nothing else. I am getting a bit poetic here, but that is pretty much the feeling and trust me, it is awesome! Dancing is the only time I have never felt self-conscious... and the only time I felt truly powerful (Except perhaps for writing... but writing gives me the sense of power of the mind, dancing gives me that of the body...).

In any case... this was not the dancing I had in mind, although it is the ultimate goal! This time though, I would like to get there through structure. Yes, you heard me... structure! I suppose it's about time... the chaos needs to be tamed.

The problem I have always had with undertaking any kind of social or choreographed dance classes was, in fact, quite explicit: In order to do that, I had to THINK about dancing... about what I was supposed to do with my feet and hands... and, on the top of that, worry about other people and partners! Frankly, even a thought of that was overwhelming... plus I knew that thinking made my dancing terrible. I know, that with training all the moves would become automatic and I would return the security of my thought-deprived sanctuary. I guess I was simply too scared of the insecurity of the transition period... and much more, but I will get back to that later.

One day, not so long ago, I was faced with a choice to join such class... we could call it fate or a coincidence...though l prefer calling it an answer to my little cry for help to the universe or whatever higher, lower or medium power there is out there or inside us. Because have it been any other time in my life I would have said yes perhaps, but would have never turned up... As always, I would think about it but then throw away the idea into a recycling bin and forget all about it, until life would swallow it, process it, recreate and reuse it and return it to me in a form of a green bag, or one of those fancy sneakers from recycled material.  I started to realise, reluctantly, that something was not quite right sometime in November... From outsider's point of view, there was absolutely nothing wrong and, truth be told, I had no rational reason to be dissatisfied on any level. However, the quiet, nagging feeling of wrongness was spreading like a plague, undermining my every waking moment... Turns out everything was just fine... everything was as it should... Now THAT seriously scared me!

I was fine... how disgusting! All was fine yet I stopped writing, I didn't go dancing as much.. I didn't laugh as much, I spend my time thinking about what I already did or will do and devoted little thought to what I was doing... which, you are guessing right, was nothing.  And I thought this was all behind me and I had all the 'live for the moment' philosophy figured out to the point of mastery... well, I didn't, but honestly, we all know it is so much easier to live a lie... though it's also depressing and 'depressing' does not exactly fits with my noble life goals of eternal happiness and all the other kinds of happiness you can find in/out there.

 Somehow my life became less mine and more of a 'should be' version according to everybody else... I don't see how that's even possible after all the journeys I have thrown myself into but... well... I am a resourceful person, so I suppose my subconscious is not very different. Anyway, I knew there were things that needed fixing... I also knew that after all those years of figuring things out on philosophical level, I would need to get down to earth and get practical... roll up my sleeves and dig in the dirt... After Christmas I knew where the problem was and I started to change what I could.. it was not easy until... yes... here is where salsa sails on the stage with its mischievous tones and spins and turns... turns that turned my life all around and upside down and from side to side...

The first two classes I suffered a little bit, I was too self-conscious... I mean, I enjoyed it very much but I was way too aware of everything... too aware of having to worry about not only me but also my partner, the steps, being on time with the music... things I usually do naturally became a particularly messed up Rubik's cube... I was over-stimulated and about to crash... Like, for example,  the situation when you open too many programs on your computer at once and, at first, it tries to cope but at some point it just goes: Screw you, you impatient bastard! and freezes... that is how I felt... And trust me, I contemplated quitting so many times. I was telling myself I did not want to do this, not really... but who are we kidding... I'm a girl and that means at some point in my life I have seen Dirty Dancing. And every girl who has seen Patrick Swayze march into the room and say: Nobody puts Baby in the corner!  wants to learn how to dance... in dancing there is beauty, there is passion... there is cooperation... there is symbiosis of movement... and all that is so incredibly sexy, even when the guy looks like Patrick and he is not your type... when he danced with her she forgot she had a type (I forgot I had a type)... Anyway... point is, I wanted to know how to dance salsa!

The truth is, it was challenging... but then... I thought What the fuck?!

Excuse me for swearing but it was needed... mainly because when did I EVER quit when something got challenging... I was the one usually looking for the situations that would challenge me, scare me,  me, bring out the best of me! This was the point where I officially diagnosed myself with a widely recognised disease known under various variations of 'There is something seriously wrong with me'. This was one of my identification points... what I mean is we all have things with which we identify ourselves... by which we define who we are. I have writing, books, dancing, endless almost annoying optimism, being smart (this might sound a bit conceited, but I don't think it should be taken for such, as I know I'm not stupid and in number of life situations I have proved myself in this sense, so I think it is safe for me to claim that I am smart... I'm not saying I'm the smartest, far from it... I just know how to get by fairly well) loyalty, travelling, honour, challenging myself at all levels, resilience... if I don't do these things, then who am I?

So, all this taken into account... I did not quit, I would not quit and I would go to that class even if I would have had to drag myself there by sheer force... it was not only a point of honour but a very strong point of survival of my own self.

Now back to the music & dancing! What structured dancing with a partner has taught me? I don't even know where to begin...

While dancing salsa, after a very long time, I have been absolutely consumed by the present... there was nothing but me and my (re)actions in that moment. All the gibber-gabber of my ever sizzling thoughts was gone. There was quiet... this excitement infused peace started to take over my everyday life... everything changed... I was here at last. Also, this change was incredibly fast... it seems I just needed a well placed kick in the right direction.

Dancing with a partner called attention to my trust issues (I have assumed this after careful analysis, I did not realise it at the time). Don't take me wrong, I was aware of my trust issues before, but boy, you can really see it when dancing! You see, this is one of my idiosyncratic contradictions, I see the best in everybody, I trust everybody with everything except... well, myself.

Subconsciously, I was always trying to lead (I still do that sometimes if I don't trust that the partner, or just because I don't know... but I really, really try not to), I was not expecting the partner to do it right... but I guess that is the lesser of the two evils... I am aware of it and when it can  or cannot be useful.

The bigger problem is the stubborn little head on mine. I was not listening (with my body) to the partner and at times went off spinning in the other direction... or, worse, I was listening but I spanned the other way anyway.  I can see how that could be annoying. I could feel the intention of movement in my partners hands, yet my first reaction was to go against it. That is just pure rebellion! At first I just thought I was making a mistake but then I dug a little deeper into deep and dusty shelves of my issues in case there were some dirty little secrets I was keeping from myself.

I gave it a thought and this is, in short, what I came up with:  

I am bloody aware I can be obstinate as hell, but I always took pride in it, because it got me where I am today. Dancing has shed some light that on the fact that stubbornness can cause me trouble (as I have been warned before but refused to believe such nonsense). The thing is that for quite a few years now (ever since I first left for US when I was 17) I had to strongly defend my choices and continuously prove myself... prove that those choices were good ones. I could not show I am afraid or that I am unsure because all of those ventures were my ideas and they were not always easily accepted. I had to be a little iron lady about it and I have a feeling that all that defensiveness and headstrong attitude clang to me a little too tightly. So, it's time to let go. I can still be stubborn, I think there might be need for it in the future, but in the mean time salsa can teach me how to be submissive, because there is nothing wrong with that, especially in dancing.

The last aspect dancing fished out from the toxic lake of my slip-ups was the seriousness that  wrapped its despicable claws around me... Brrrrr... Hell no! I even started to take myself seriously and all of you who know me also know that is a ridiculous thought. Life is fun!!! And, most of all, dancing is just dancing... whether in a class or a crowded club... forget everybody... listen and dance!

The funny thing is that is none of this is new to me... I knew all about it and though I also know there is a big difference between knowledge and practice, I still get cheated into wrong assumptions and choices... I have a very clear idea about the principles I want to govern my life, about the philosophy to accompany my choices... Some of them are easier to follow then others and sometimes life happens too fast and pushes philosophy down the dirtiest ditch by the highway... But there are ways of successfully putting philosophy into practice and one of these way is dancing... because every time I dance, I am reminded about the power of the moment, benefits of listening, strength of cooperation, joy of submission, pleasure of movement, and delightful lightness of being!