The Disciples of Disciplne

It is half past four in the morning.

Considering the last ten days in Edinburgh and a journey that greedily stripped me from my feeble energy supplies, I should be fast asleep for at least fifteen hours. Apparently, that is not happening. First night in France (by many considered a dreamland) and I sit on my bed deprived of sleep, abandoned by fatigue. It seems to me, I am not getting any dreams tonight.

To be truthful, I am not that surprised I find it quite challenging to fall asleep. The analysis, to which I subjected my life over the holiday period, offered me a conclusion which is not entirely according to my taste (mainly because it is absolutely necessary and inevitable). Tonight, the crusade is falling from the pedestal down to my feet swirling the dust just to let it settle on its distinct outlines.

I am giving up.

I am here to surrender.

There is no more I can do to hold up my resistance.

The indispensability of discipline has brought me to senses... eventually.

Forgive me the theatricality with which I write about the simplest moments of my life but I cannot resist no matter how much I try. It sounds better. Therefore, even a moment you would like to erase...  delete from your mind because till it is there your brain is beeping: Memory full, allowing nothing else to be downloaded from that sea of information floating around you, loses its dark higher powers. Giving to these moments a form, a style I dare to like, turns them into easy downsized version of their actual gravity and I can listen to it... clink on ‘Next’ button and continue living.

After three paragraphs about nothing I could actually get to the point. But in order to finish an article that provokes the effect that I had in mind in timely manner requires discipline. I might be eloquent speaker, cunning opponent, astute girl who constantly reaches for perfection whenever possible while prancing hand in hand with capricious luck... so much, that once in a while you might even get an impression that I am smart. But the one thing I never had (and still not have) is Discipline. Not a tiniest drop of it in my blood!

The truth is I have been withholding myself from success as far as I can remember, subconsciously but nevertheless voluntarily. All the exams I underwent, all those tests I passed, the projects I planned, ravishing little battles I won were all results of procrastination, not discipline. I have never properly studied when it was necessary or worked on a project as long as needed, or wrote when I should have... I could have written so many stories by now if only I had the discipline to do what I wanted!!! And still I always reached good and time to time even excellent results... results of single night’s effort. Now, you might think I am over acting and that I should be grateful for that. I suppose I should be thankful I was born with certain amount of undefined talent which is still not entirely clear to me. However, how can I be satisfied with myself if I the two chips I am left with to gable my way to happiness are suspicious talent and moody luck. That is certainly not a way to win a poker game. Only imagine! What would I actually be capable off if I gave it a try?

Perhaps ONE try is all it takes to fall into grasp of long forgotten religion... one taste of satisfaction, one little taste of real game... Maybe that’s all it takes to become a disciple of discipline.

Therefore I decided to do some research on the topic. As I was googling my way through the tangle of ideas people have expressed about discipline, the message that came across was quite evident. There is no way around it... well there is NO WAY without it. Not a way of life without limits to happiness I decided to have and which many people label impossible just because it requires to wonder beyond limits.

Certain German author or a playwright Carl Zuckermeyer wrote: ‘Half of life is luck, the other half is discipline- and that’s the important half, for without discipline you wouldn’t know what to do with luck.’ It contains more truth that I would ever dare to admit. I do not know what to do with my luck... but to let it pass by me without... well without taming it with discipline and creating something more than a one night’s shadow of rarely exercised talents.

From a different basket, H. Ross Perot, an American businessman said also something worth noting (mainly because it is as well an inevitable inconvenient truth). He claimed: ‘Something in human nature causes us to start slacking off at our moment of greatest accomplishment. As you become successful, you will need a great deal of self-discipline not to lose your sense of balance, humility and commitment.’

Slacking off at our moment of greatest accomplishment?

A phrase that should not sound so familiar and yet it does.

Loosing Balance?

One of the easiest things to do...

Loosing humility?

Tempting...

Disappearance of humility is another very popular phenomenon that accompanies Mr. Success wherever he decides to wonder. However, with this particular trap I never experienced that much trouble. Those who know me would laugh at the previous sentence. I have to admit, humility is the last quality you would connect with my name and behaviour. I believe I am good, but I am also aware that I am not the only one. It is simple; I suffer the painful blows of learning process. The more I learn, the more I realize that technically I do not know anything.

So, you might hear me say my well known: ‘I am soooo goooooood.... ‘

I say it often, and I say it with a hint of arrogant pleasure... nonetheless it is my moment of humility rather then arrogance. I have seen, read, met and experienced things and people and places far more imposant. On the other hand, the greatness around you does not take away the importance of your own achievements no matter how insignificant they may seem at the time. Therefore... yes! Be humble, but do not over do it!

  Loss of Commitment?

Truth...

It easy to get what you want... it is much more difficult and perplexing to maintain it.

Every time I think about this I flirt with an idea of leaving everything behind, finding a little house on a lake shore and live my live in peace... sitting on a bench under a cherry tree, looking at the world with simplicity it deserves.

As soon as I picture the image in my head... as soon as I draw the last strokes, I know I will never do it. Not this way. Because as another voice once said.. There are no short cuts to any place worth going.

It is time for me to learn some discipline.

I got no more excuse up my sleeves. 

Time to shake things up ;)